My Dark “Knight”

Been trekking this wilderness for days now, can’t remember how many.. lost count.. the day’s heat is unbearable… The nights Bitter, cold and pitch black.

I remember our very first encounter like it’s yesterday, it’s what has kept me going.. Chasing after Him… His touch, His loving, nothing like it… Yeah, I can attest… I’ve had many lovers- but this one is extra.. am lost in Him, but worse is that I’ve lost Him.. one minute He was beside me…walking hand in hand with my love, He would stop me and look at me, deeply and lovingly.. our eyes locking and I swear I could see a million universes in His… I close my eyes, and I bask in the warmth of His love, His embrace totally eclipsing my entire being.. I never want to lose this…. I slowly open my eyes, and for a moment He’s nowhere to be found.. my heart skips a beat, then I get excited..my love is playful too or so I think…

I look around expectantly awaiting to catch a glimpse of my love… Only to realize that it’s not a game, He’s really gone… I’ve lost my love…

I am calling out for Him, I am frantic, anxious and panic is setting in… I wait and all I can hear is nothing.. is it something I did?.. did I put Him off? Did He see something in me that He didn’t like?

My Knight, my all in all is nowhere to be found, I seek Him and I keep at it like a mad man- I try to be this, and that… I ditch this and take up that… I want to draw Him back to me… I am going crazy, and I have to find Him no matter what!! Oh’ how I want to posses Him…

I am desperate, in need… I’ve fallen into deep despair.. this yearning is deep, it cuts through the heart and settles deep into my soul- I think I am gonna die, I will just fold up and die if he never shows up…

I am faint, and weak for my love… I don’t think I got any strength left in me to keep the pursuit. I am almost giving up, I lay myself down.. hot streams of tears rolling down my face, it’s the sorrow of sorrows… The dark night of my soul…Then my Spirit says to me, “Your Love will be back. He will find you… Even here in this darkness, He will still find you”.

I will sit still, I will not move an inch, I will sit here and wait, and early dawn my love will show up….This I know…show up He will…

Deep Clean

Mindset is everything! I have heard of this phrase again and again and I have come across it in many of the self-help books that I have been reading.

If it’s everything then it must be the key to the “kingdom” and beyond. I have been searching for this key with no success. I have looked here and there, in books, in talks, in sermons, basically I have looked for it everywhere, I have followed a rumour, a guru, a people and still nothing!

I give up! Me in the wee hours of the morning… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go on looking for what’s not there. It’s a big fat lie!

A lie, no it’s a list of lies that I have locked somewhere deep in a rusty trunk- a collector overtime of a lie here and a lie there.. Oh, and I have quite a treasure… The bad, the can’ts, the not good enough, the not smart enough, NOTS! so many.. A pile of self defeating thoughts, self hate, self critic, the list is endless- mindset- I found it!

The key, to my rusty trunk full of treasure, I found it!

I fumble with it, just this one key, I open the trunk with caution and all the sacredness that I can master. I want to rummage, but I pause and understand that I will have to go through it piece by piece, examining each one, taking time with it and remembering where I’d picked it, who gifted it to me, who left their’s and I’d decided to keep it safe for them! Souvenirs, memories, keepsakes!

I am sitting side by side with a big pile of lies, self sabotaging beliefs, and more… my trunk is empty, and am wondering what do I do?! I can feel the emptiness… I look at my pile then back at the trunk and can’t help but feel a bit sentimental…

“Everything” I am startled by a whisper that I am sure came out of the trunk! I must be loosing it… “Use everything!” Another whisper, only this time, it’s seems urgent and strong! “No, wait a minute!” I gain the courage to speak back to the voice.. “I can’t leave the trunk empty, plus I have to keep my treasure safe. No one can see it, its my private collection..” Yes, says the trunk, “it’s yours but what’s the point of keeping pain, hurt, negativity, depression,failures, mistakes, loss, fear, wrong beliefs, and brokenness all locked up? You need to see it everyday, you need to share it with others, that’s what treasures are for.”

“I am not so sure… all I want is a changed mindset! That’s why I am looking for it here”. I reply to the trunk.. “I have been out and about looking but so far nothing!”

“In here, in this emptiness is where it’s been all along. Now all you have to do is use your pile of treasure, allow yourself to be vulnerable, let others see your treasure, let them look at it and be moved with courage to open their trunks and reveal their treasure too..”

You can take your pile of treasure and create a beautiful gallery, a patchwork celebrating your journey! Let this ‘treasures’ inspire you to live and love courageously, courage is one half of mindset, love for yourself and others the other half!

My Today

I guess one can begin from anywhere, or so I told myself. Little did I know that anywhere had to be somewhere, pinpointed and more. So since I had set my sights on anywhere, I found myself to be no where most of the times. It’s been this and that and then this… And the […]

My Today

Journeying home

It all begins with questioning, a yearning, some hunger that you can’t seem to satisfy, a thirsting that you have been unable to quench. And yes a longing! A longing that keeps gnawing, eating at you. A restlessness that can not be understood.

Emptiness! A hole so deep and endless, so dark and wide… it feels like the whole universe, only without its creations.